I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
