I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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