You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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