mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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