my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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