I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
should my penis look like a turkey
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
