I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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