She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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