he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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