Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Text me some of your sweat
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
