He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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