He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
