I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
