I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
