so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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