I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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