totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
