My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
