How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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