Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
