He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
