Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
