Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
