i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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