i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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