people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
