Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
