So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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