I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
