fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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