How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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