my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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