It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
