I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
