I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
