I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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