I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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