ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
