dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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