Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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