so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
