This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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