I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
