I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
