community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
