fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
