life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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