I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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