you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
