girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
