I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He did a backflip because drugs
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
