Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
