Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
