So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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