Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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