I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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