Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
